Killer Monay

Unleash the monster within...

I can still remember my weight when I was a third year high school student. It was 49 kilograms (108 pounds). I had a very slim figure back then but my friends seem to be surprised that I weighed that much at such a young age. Some said I probably have big bones or my muscles are "siksik".

Before pregnancy, I weighed 56.5 kilograms. This is a picture of me in year 2008. Just a year before my pregnancy.



Come July 2009, my weight didn't change much. I even lost a few more pounds. Thanks to morning sickness and my fussiness over food. But that was brief. After a few months, I started to have the "munchies". I didn't gain weight right away which made me feel lucky and think that I am not the type of preggy who blows up like a balloon animal. WRONG!



 On my third trimester, I reached 70 kilograms. I was told by doctors to go easy on the rice. Well, I did listen. But only when the bun in the oven already got too big that he started pushing the food in my stomach upwards whenever I ate or drank too much. I also had to admit I was a hard-headed, hormone-driven foodie. I used to stash sugary food in my desk drawers. Coca-cola, chocolates, doughnuts, Zagu, and Mountain Dew. I used to defend the latter about it's low (or zero, not sure) caffeine content but ignored its sugar. I also loved pasta, pizza and ice cream. The only healthy stuff I put in my piehole are the occasional fruits my father supposedly bought for the baby and my prenatal vitamins. 

Ahhh! The joys of gluttony! 

And the woes of my clothes... After giving birth to my little monster (7 pounds) I was able to shed a few pounds. I lost a measly 10 pounds... I didn't feel so fat. In fact. whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I see a sexier and curvier version of me. I didn't even care about how frequently the people seem to notice how I have "grown". This illusion went on for some months until I recovered a set of pictures from 2008 and 2009 and juxtapose it to a more recent picture of mine. I almost cried... The illusion was shattered and the lens refused to lie. I tried on my old clothes, the similar ones in the pictures. The shirts would rip if I continue putting them on. My jeans won't even go higher than my thighs. My hardy rubber shoes might not have complained but my feet did hurt after coming home from work. 


Last month, we had our annual physical examination. They classified me under "OBESE"... When I went out of the Nutrition Section, I said: "The f...?" a little too loud. The five-letter word was better than espresso or a spicy Bloody Mary. Mother of FAT!!! I am OBESE? There has to be something wrong with that chart. I don't look that heavy... On and on I tried to convince myself I was just a victim of an untrained public servant who doesn't know how to read weight charts in my days of denial. I have to admit I lost more than half of my self-esteem and probably a quarter of my self-respect. (sigh) Those days when I used to be concerned with my "fat legs" and broad hips... I should've appreciated myself more. 
2008 and 2010 - a matter of two years

"BUT THEN AGAIN..."- I love the optimism behind this phrase. I usually end my writings with these words after expressing regrets. Maybe I always try too hard to hide my pessimism in life. So, I'll try to be more realistic in wrapping up this blog entry.

I'm fat. I am struggling to lose weight. I am not letting go of my old clothes (yet). If all else fails, I will simply try to find a way to love this massive piece of flesh that I call "MY BODY". *Listens to Fat-Bottomed Girls by Queen *




If you're a student reading this, you probably see me often around the campus with her. I call her 'Nice (Nis) and you call her Miss Rivera. I enjoy being with this person. Why?

I think I'll enumerate how I see Eunice:

1. A BIIIIG Positive Sign 
Eunice... The name speaks for itself - good victory. There was even a time when I told her, "Know what? Whenever I see you, you're like a big walking positive sign." She is an epitome of optimism. Try being gloomy or try telling her that "it might not work" or "this is bad". She'll try to lighten up the day by her corny jokes or understate the situation. She usually defends "villains" and try to see the better part of them. Perhaps, if you say "Kill!", she'll say "Save!". Or maybe when you say "A few miles is a long way", she'll say "A few smiles go a long way." 

2. Pacman
Eunice and I, we're vulture's of the same stomach. I found this out a few years ago, one afternoon before we went to a scheduled "Ugnayan With Mayor Binay". We went to Chowking to eat out of sheer boredom. A few chats here and a few chats there and voila! We were munching on lasagna and garlic sticks in Greenwich (now the KFC beside Chowking Comembo). Just like me, the most active bones of Eunice would be her mandibles. I swear, if only it is not against nature, we would be showcasing six packs on our cheeks now, all from excessive jaw exercise. We both are bad influences to each other. We wanted to lose weight but here comes the other one missing the White Chicago Deep Dish Pizza. Sbarro here we come! 

                                                             3. A Child Trapped in an Adult's Body
Talking with Eunice won't invoke anger no matter what she says. Well, maybe for me. She has a way of talking pretty much like a kid. Picture this: She would talk to you about your flaw. She'll tell you slowly, almost like an apology, and then tells you how that flaw can be excused sometimes. You don't have to defend yourself. She'll do it for you XD. 

She also shows tantrums like a preschooler stomping her feet and moaning while complaining. She loves anime and all things cute. She giggles about dogs and would willingly wear a Disney princess costume on a graduation day.

4. A Star
In the eyes of people who do not know her personally, she's a humble, twinkling star. You see stars up there but you never really know what they are capable of up close. They may be faint, but if you look through a telescope, they are not twinkling. They are BLAZING! That's Eunice. I have never heard her brag about her academics, her talents, her achievements, and her other assets. I remember a time when we were doing our usual but extraordinarily long standby at Sbarro. I told her that she lacked assertion. She defended herself by giving me an instance when, according to her, she showed "yabang". I almost facepalmed. I sarcastically replied with a: "Really? That's your assertion?" 

She never had this big bag of wind in her. It's something that I like about her and at the same time make me feel sorry for her. She has so much in her. So much promise. So much to brag about. Oh well, I would rather she stay like that because I never really like humbugs. 

So that's her. She will never intimidate you but there will come a time when she'll just surprise you and you'll be like=================>


Those are just a few of the things I like about this unique person. With all these characteristics, what's not to like? I do not know exactly what she is to me... I don't understand why I can't seem to call her best friend. Why can't I even admit to myself that she is waaaayy past my definition of a workmate or aqcuaintance or even friend? I just don't get it. Whatever it is, I'm just glad I met another awesome person.

There are times when I really ache for the things that used to be. I miss the "stress" of college. It's a lot less serious than actual work stress... It's the kind of stress that I'm willing to do over and over again. I miss the "good times". I miss the memories and the people that come with them.

Every time I read a good book, see a good movie or learn something new, I keep wanting to share it with some of my college friends. I wonder where most of them are now. Are they married? Are they thriving or sinking? Are they still in Philippines or are they somewhere else? Will they still recognize me despite my obesity? Did they change for the better? Or for the worse?
A drawing I made more than a decade ago.


The backside of the drawing containing the date I drew it and the names of my friends. From top to bottom, left to right: Marichu Montarial, Marilou Lopez, Isabel Catubig, Rachel Ablan, Mailyn Mabbayad, Vincent and Alfred (imaginary friends), Melanie Santos, Eugene (imaginary friend), Cristy Mante, ME, Dennis (imaginary friend), Janet Rellosa, Mary Jane, Shirley Rotoni and Rosemary Nabua.


Then, there's the nearest yet farthest - Jerrylou Cernechez. I could walk to her place right now but I don't want to go there just to know that she hasn't come home from work. 



I miss the way she giggles whenever she sees "Oni", her ten-year secret crush. She helped me appreciate the simplest joys of life. We would eat at Jollibee when something special came up. We would buy black shirts from tiangge despite her mother's criticism of our fashion statement. We never hated carbonated drinks. We even had a recurring hypothetical situation about us deciding whether to save the guy we  most admire or the last bottle of Coke in the world.    I miss her resounding laughter that seems to fill the room with her happy, contagious thoughts. I miss sleeping over their house, sitting on their roof top and not caring about anything in the world. We even let the mosquitoes bite us.. We simply talk about our past and wonder what we would be ten years from that time. I was Ryouko... She was Sailor Moon... She's the best of the best. 

I also miss my group back in the last two years of college. Some call our group "Powerhouse Cast", and "Tropang Nomu" but we never really came up with an official name for our group. It was actually a coalition of separate groups. There were Alpha Females: Ate Rinette and Ate Jen, Alpha Male: Kuya Chad (he will kill me for calling him 'kuya'); the "Resident Pregnant Drunkard", "Buto", Verger, Bessie Basu(rah), the Gigantic Gay Ryan, the Lesbian-Struggling-To-Look-Like-A-Real-Girl Marilou Lopez, and some whose face I will never forget but whose name escaped my coffee-infused brain. 

That group brought me to the "dark side". I'm happy for it. At least I am no longer so naive and painfully destitute of experience. Despite all the bad influences I got from them, the differences in their views gave me inspiration, new insight and a better point-of-view. They helped crack my 19-year-old safety shell. And since the day I went out of my comfort zone, I bloomed and flourished...

In this tapestry of personalities, I was well-woven with two of the most interesting strands: Janice Lubay and Napoleon Nayra. Janice was red, vibrant, warm and perky. She's the life of our trio. She's my exact opposite. Surprisingly, I can stand being alone with her more than Nayra. Whenever, I was alone with him, I couldn't remember a time when we didn't have an awkward silence looming above us. Nayra, "the green one", (we prefer to call him by his surname as it sounds more feminine than Napoleon) was the neutral force of our triad. He was neither too dispirited nor too nice. Among us three, he was the most talented. He might not have known it but I did look up to him for intellectual sustenance. 
This is Nayra's concept of how I would have been if I were an anime (Moiras).


These are some of the people that I am afraid I have lost on the way to the street called Adulthood. But, someday, I'm sure there's a crossroad somewhere where our paths will meet.

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